A Buddhist story tells of a monk going to the Teacher for spiritual guidance. The monk says, "Roshi, I've done what you said; I've learned detachment." "Good," said the Teacher, "now learn attachment."
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Loving detachment is loving connection. Spiritual wisdom leads us to a place where we are not emotionally clinging to anyone. Emotional attachment is the poison of greed.
When attached emotionally, there is a feeling of ownership. A good example is when two persons frolic in the intoxicating elixir of a new romance.
Yet, detachment is not a stony aloofness. Generally, persons who have evolved spiritually have a posture of aloofness but deep, caring connection with others, including nonhuman life.
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Persons generally see love as an emotional feeling. And there is a strong sense of I: "I [!] love you." This often means, "I really need you for myself." Even, "How could I go on without you?"
Of all the persons I have lost to death, I have felt chiefly gratitude when they passed on - not that they passed on. I have never been much of a griever. Based on popular psychology, some would say, "Well, you have just not dealt with the loss. You are repressing your grief." Others would say otherwise.
Spiritual practice does not lead us to deny psychological truths but leads us beyond them. Psychology is valid in the aspect of human experience it covers. Still, the spiritual aspect is another world, so to speak.
In loving detachment, meaning loving connection, we can live with and let go of others from a place of pure love. If great grief arises, it does. If small grief arises, it does. The grief will not remain the principal experience for long, and it will never be without a profound gratitude for the gift of the other. In the purely psychological domain, one might grieve intensely for a lifetime, evidencing a continued clinging - not so in spirit.
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We practice loving connection here and now. We acknowledge the wisdom of impermanence. Living in the wisdom of impermanence, we free ourselves to love more, not less. In freeing ourselves to love more, we free others to return a like selfless love. Possibly, life is simply a schooling in love.
Loving detachment is a lesson not often easily learned in that school. But we can be encouraged by remembering loving detachment increases our capacity to enjoy connection with others. By relying less on emotion, we descend into the heart, to a more selfless, pure being-with-others.
*Brian K. Wilcox, An Ache for Union: Poems on Oneness with God through Love, can be ordered through major online booksellers or the publisher AuthorHouse.
